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I feel like I don't think enough. I don't mean that in an intellectual way, but rather in a life/worldview sense. Yes, I can study some subject and learn enough to pass a test, but I don't spend the same amount of time contemplating the world that I used to. There are so many easy distractions that allow the passing of time, but each comes with a semblance of dissociation with the world. You can get trapped in this little bubble and hours later you snap out of it and wonder what just happened to those precious moments in your life that were just lost forever. In reality you get nothing out of these fragments other than a vague sense of loss and an idea that you could be doing something better with your life. Maybe spending some time each day writing and forcing myself to think about something real would be a way to get in touch with the world, and maybe it might even help me learn something about myself. Deep introspection has not always been my strong point, and it probably would be a good thing to truly understand myself before I can hope to think about understanding someone else. I'm not quite sure if writing is definitely the best solution, as I could always pull a Danny and start 'researching' everything I ever wanted to know about cows, and I have done something similar previously, but its always ended up petering out after a couple days cause I just wasn't feeling it. Perhaps combining it with something I need to do, such as research for schoolwork might be a good compromise between doing something interesting to me, and something important for progressing in life professionally. And maybe in addition just writing to people would be a good thing. I've definitely been somewhat remiss in keeping in contact with certain people, and its not something I'm particularly happy about, so it should be something else for me to work on. Hopefully actually writing this down, and letting the world see that I recognize my own faults will help me become a better person in the end. I know that I often lack an emotional edge in my writing, and when it does come across it is often skewed towards the positive. Like most people I don't like revealing my own faults, and prefer to keep my own confidence when it comes to negative aspects of myself, again something that isn't necessarily the healthiest thing to do. So I guess in the end what I want to know is what everyone out there thinks I need to work on as a person. Be cruel, be harsh, but above all be honest. This isn't a cry for help so much as a chance for me to ask the world what they honestly think of me, and to give me a chance to find out and digest this information in a way that I am able to deal with. I'm not always the best confrontationally, so having written responses will allow me to read, understand, and really process what people are saying without having to deal directly in the moment with what everyone says. I know this normally isn't how these things are done, in a public forum, and I know some of you may feel like it will be hurtful, and maybe you don't want someone else to see you being critical of me- if so than post anonymously and then if you want to, let me know via email that it was you. Or if you must, just email me a response to this. I can't be a better person to the world and myself if the world doesn't let me know how I'm doing every once in a while. I know this has rambled slightly and changed from the original goal of this post, but thats how my thoughts work.
12:00 PM